(16) Research Paper

Enrique Garcia

Steadman

Writing 150

3 November 2015

Positive Effects of Single-Parenting

           Introduction

Ever since I can remember my parents have been separated. At first, it was just temporary, but then in early 2001 they both agreed to part ways permanently - the divorce was final.  It wasn’t the typical “He-said, she-said” divorce. It was something that had to happen. There was no choice. There were no other options BUT divorce.

Alcoholism is a real disease that, unfortunately, was the main culprit. Everything seemed to spiral down from there. The decision to finalize the divorce went back and forth, the usual get back together, break-up pattern until enough was enough. My mother would eventually gain full custody of all three kids fairly quickly and easy due to the fact that my father wasn't in the position to care for us. He was ready to move on, as were we.

The actual court process was as easy as 1, 2, 3 considering the harsh circumstances. On the other hand, what would proceed after was anything but easy. My mom went from being a stay at home mom to being stranded without a house and forced into Provo city housing all in a matter of a few short days. She had no choice, taking into account that she didn’t have a job. Desiring a fresh start and a new career, she put herself through school. From what would have been a 2-3 year Pharmacy Tech program, she was able to cram it all into 9 months. Not only that, but she was 8 months pregnant with my younger sister at the time. When she was due, she had exactly 1 week off for maternity leave. Once that short break was up, she headed back to school. Just like that. She endured an extremely tough time in her life and she did it all for her kids and it manifested her love. Great things come from love and friendships that strong.

From that point on, she would raise us alone - she was a single parent. My mother is a very hard working woman and she has proved that over the years. She has worked multiple jobs in order to support us financially, and she has also carried the load of filling the roles of two parents. That’s clearly not an easy task, even for two parents, let alone for one.

The typical “single-parent” stereotype consists of an overwhelming amount of negative connotations. However, the positive outcomes that have come as a result of the same way my mom has raised her kids are even more remarkable. We have evolved into very mature, self-reliant individuals, our family has built a foundation on the Gospel, and we have become a close-knit family through difficult times.

Background

Single parenthood isn’t something parents should have to do; nobody should have to go through it, yet it is so prevalent in the world today. The most common reason for single parenthood is divorce. Many are aware of the general upward trend in divorce rate in the United States. In fact, “the rates increased by a factor of 17 during a period in which U.S. divorce statistics are available. Thus, the rate went up from only 0.3 per 1,000 population in 1867 to 5.3 per 1,000 population in 1979” (Paul C. Glick and Sung-Ling Lin). These numbers are staggering and still increasing today. Every case varies in different situations, however common factors that are closely related to this “include the increasing education and employment levels of women as well as the decline in large families” (Glick, Paul C., and Sung-Ling Lin). With that increase of women participating in school and the work force indicates a huge change in society resulting in conflicts in marriages and single parents raising kids alone.

           According to Custodial Mothers and Fathers and Their Child Support: 2009, a report released by the U.S. Census Bureau every two years, “there are approximately 13.7 million single parents in the United States today, and those parents are responsible for raising 22 million children” (Grall). It is easy to think that all of these single-parent families are bad and the statistic shouldn’t be so high. Well, that is all they are: numbers on paper. There are many false assumptions about single parents - particularly single mothers. Most believe all situations turn out bad and have vastly different negative outcomes. In reality, not all cases are identical and should not be compared apples to apples, just as not everyone fits a perfect mold in the world today.

The assumption that "most" single mothers are were single from the outset is false. From that same report, of the mothers who are custodial parents, “44.2% are currently divorced or separated, 36.8% have never been married, 18% are married or remarried, and 1.1% were widowed” (Grall). Despite negative assumptions that most single moms "selfishly" chose to raise their kids solo, the majority of individuals raising children alone started out in committed relationships and never expected to be single parents.

Another assumption about single moms is that most are unemployed. Again, that notion is not true according to the Census data: “76% of custodial single mothers are gainfully employed (53.2% work full time, year round and 22.8% work part-time or part-year)” (Grall). There are many single mothers out there, including mine, who are hardworking and want the best for their kids.

Children Become Self-Reliant

Although divorce and single-parenthood can be really hard on both the parents and kids, challenges provide an opportunity to grow to be self-reliant. The kids carry twice the load - twice the responsibility, and twice the emotional baggage. I remember very well when I was a very young age picking up extra responsibilities such as extra chores, helping take care of my sister, and help make dinner, all while mom was still trying to get home from work. We both stepped up to support my mom who had a lot on her plate. To illustrate my reasoning of self-reliance, an article from cedu.niu.edu found that, “Adolescents in single-parent homes learn to take on more responsibility and become more self-reliant, have a better understanding of adults than their peers, and often have a good, strong relationship with the parent they live with” (Yackley). By picking us the extra slack of responsibilities, I learned how to be self-reliant. The responsibilities pile up and if the kids don’t assist in the effort of carrying the load, like we learned how to do, the family will fall apart. That’s obviously not what happened in our case. We were able to strongly resist those negative outcomes.

Shared responsibilities are essential for success in a single parent home. Children don’t just have ordinary chores done in order to earn an allowance. Instead their contributions to the family as a whole system are necessary. The family has roles to be filled and requires each family member to do their part in the home.

If it weren’t for our upbringing starting from the time when were very young, there would be drastically different results. We would have found ourselves struggling even more. The desire for a sense of success and accomplishment is credit to our mom. It was her example to us of strength and perseverance that grew on us. It was so powerful and we wanted to be just like her. She was done with feeling like a failure to herself and her kids. When she finally came to that breaking point, there was no going back. Instead, she felt it was critical to turn things around a complete 180 degrees, and that is exactly what she did.

We picked ourselves up and pressed forward with hope that we could make it on our own. That was when we ended up moving to Eagle Mountain where we found and purchased our first home; I was so excited for a fresh start as well as incredibly proud of how far we had come. I was 8 years old at the time and I was not only ready for the responsibilities that normally come around that age plus more. I never knew different from the situation I was in because I had never experienced anything else. As I’ve grown up and looked back, I’ve gained an appreciation for the challenges. I’m grateful for my mom and all she did. She provided everything we needed plus more. Of course there were times when she struggled to do it on her own, but others in the family or ward would be there to keep us on our feet.

Built on Foundation

Family is the one of the most important things that has remained intact in my life. We have been through the best of times as well as the hardest times. When I say we I’m speaking of us and our extended family, mainly my grandparents who have helped support us and have always been there when no one else was.

It takes a whole lot of effort and sometimes more than one person to raise a child. In fact, Jennifer Wolf, a single parent expert, said, “children raised in single parent families are often raised by a village of supporters. In many cases, members of the extended family will step up and play a significant role in the children’s lives” (Wolf). That “village” of supporters for me has included everyone from LDS Church Bishop, ward members, leaders, extended family, other good Samaritans who we have crossed paths with, and most importantly my grandma and grandpa.

Whether it was financially, emotionally, or physically they have always been there to support, provide, and assist us in anything. We could call on them any day of the week and they were available. Even times when we were struggling and no one else knew about it, they knew, and they cared enough to go out of their way to serve us. They have also been great examples to me and my siblings of selfless service, love, and everything good.

An emphasis my mom has succeeded in making a priority in our lives has been the Gospel. Before my mom, the gospel was taught but wasn’t a reinforced effort to teach the Church in previous generations in the family. After growing up in the Church and having great examples in her parents to look up to, she has strived to continue that teaching in her own home and further it even more. It’s been an amazing blessing to grow up, not only having that knowledge, but living it and having it enforced in the home, where true conversion happens.

In a BC Studies titled, "Families That Pray Together, Stay Together,” it focuses on the relationship religion and family have in the home. It reads, [From the pulpit and the pew, within their households and churches, Protestants helped to both reproduce and challenge the family ideal in postwar British Columbia and Canada. Church discourse, and religion itself, shaped family roles and relations within Pentecostal and United Church homes--but never in a totalizing way. It was not by accident that the fifties became (and remain) a metaphor for family values in the social imaginary] (Block). As mentioned, having religion has helped shape the rest of the family and Church history. Family was organized around a foundation of religion and it has held firm over a long period of time.

Religious systems, regardless of the belief, have been shown to provide family roots. It has influenced goals and values that should be sought in family life and the appropriate means to achieve them. An article, “Religion and Conflict in Marital and Parent-Child Relationships,” says that, “religion also offers families strategies that may facilitate or hinder the resolution of conflict after it erupts” (Mahoney). In short, families that are rooted in a religion and devote time and effort to living it in their home find that they are strengthened and united together.

Strong Love and Closeness

Another positive outcome from living in a single-parent family is that, “adolescents feel more valued by the parent they live with” (Yackley). Single parents may depend on their adolescents for help with day-to-day chores and responsibilities and truly appreciate the help they get from their adolescent; in turn, the adolescent feels their parent values them.

This deep love, value, and appreciation that is shown by a single mother has been evident in our close-knit family. Any shortcomings have been responded with support, encouragement, and empathy. We have been united through our trials together and it has brought us closer together. Despite our differences, we can collaborate and work together effectively. When we are there supporting each other, we are able to lean on each other’s individual strength and enjoy happiness together.

Strong bonds can be developed between a single parent and their kids who are dependent upon each other. “By spending quality one-on-one time with them, it allows you to develop a unique bond that may actually be stronger than someone’s who isn’t a single parent” (Wolf). This can be a distinguishing factor for a single parent that no other parent can say they have. It makes the family bonds very special and unique. A quote by Brandi Snyder can apply to single parents, “To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world.”

Conclusion

While we have changed dramatically for the better, my mom has also developed into a strong, independent women by learning and growing along the way. Our family and many other single-parent families in the world, are tried and true examples that children can turn out just fine. It’s only a matter of the parent and kid(s) collaborating in a systematic way. My hope is that people realize this and make it a part of their lives. The indispensable things that we gained are maturity and Self-reliance, a foundation built on our beliefs in the Church, and each member of our family has grown closer together.

There's no such thing as a "normal family." Families can be looked at in the same way: without judgment, no matter what the situation may be. As for our family, we have grown stronger and closer together. I've never found the need to use our circumstances as an excuse that we can't have lasting happiness. We all have our own take on things; we can both be down about things and dwell on the past, or we can put our best foot forward and build on what we have. That being said, I definitely wouldn't change anything about what happened in the past. It doesn’t define us; rather the way we reacted in the heat of it all defines us. I know are strong because we haven't let this control or dictate our everyday lives.

This is all a result of a single mother’s large effort in parenting and focus on raising us to be the best we can be. In addition, our willingness to obey and follow through with her wise counsel. In our family there has been extraordinary giving of love, support, and encouragement equaling, if not surpassing, a traditional two-parent family.

Work Cited

Block, Tina. ""FAMILIES THAT PRAY TOGETHER, STAY TOGETHER": Religion, Gender, and Family in Postwar Victoria, British Columbia." BC Studies. Spring 2005 Issue 145: P31-54. Database

Glick, Paul C., and Sung-Ling Lin. "Recent Changes in Divorce and Remarriage." Journal of Marriage and Family Vol. 48.No. 4 (Nov., 1986): 737-47. Database

Grall, Timothy S. "Custodial Mothers and Fathers and Their Child Support: 2009." United States

Census, 2009. Web.

Mahoney, Annette. "Religion and Conflict in Marital and Parent-Child Relationships." Journal of Social Issues Dec 2005 Vol. 61.Issue 4: P689-706. 18p. Database

Wolf, Jennifer. "5 Positive Effects of Single Parenting." About.com Parenting. Web. 4 Nov. 2015.

Yackley, April. “Single-Parent Families." Single Parent Families. Web. 4 Nov. 2015.